Imagine losing your child, but carrying his legacy through his own son—supporting him financially, being there in every way you can. But life moves forward, and sometimes, it moves in ways you never saw coming.
Here is story
I lost my son a few years ago. He had been dating a girl for a few months, and I found out at the funeral she was about 13 weeks pregnant. They were both 22. Well, I politely asked for a DNA test, and by using my family’s DNA, I found out I did indeed have a Grandson, “Dave Jr” let’s call him.
So anyway, I decided along with my husband to help the girl, “Lissa,” out. We are comfortable financially, and decided to pay her monthly “child support” equal to what my son would have paid, according to our state formula, if he made $30k a year. We are using our own money, some of which was indeed set aside for Dave Sr’s graduate schooling, but still, our money. My son had very few of his own assets, so no estate. We, of course, buy gifts, outings, etc., like all of our other grandkids.
Well, “Lissa” then married a guy this summer. Call him Allen, seems nice, I’m happy for her. So anyway, Allen and Lissa come over this weekend and want to “talk.” Apparently, the plan is for Allen to adopt Dave Jr, and they are moving out of state. Oh, and can we change his name on the accounts we have once this is legal? And they will send us pictures, and we can see little Dave sometimes, but are not to mention our son until he is “old enough.”
I told them that I’m not paying them the child support, since Allen wants to be his dad so bad that he wants to erase my son, he can pay. And there are no accounts, and I’m not playing games and pretending to be a family friend or whatever this plan is. I also told them to get out.
Well, so Liss and Allen sure think I’m wrong, my husband’s on my side, my daughter is torn, and my youngest son hasn’t said anything. Now her family is calling me, and Allen’s mother is trying to get me to “have a sit down”.
People were all on her side.
- If Allen wants to be the dad, he can be the dad. And the breadwinner. © Infamous-Wasabi-9007 / Reddit
- If the stepdad adopted the child, your son would also a not have to pay child support any longer if alive. Yes, you were a bit rude, but it’s entitled of her to assume you would continue to pay child support. Legally, you have been gifting her for the kid’s whole life. She wants to erase your son, she gets no money from you. © Lady_Ellie119 / Reddit
- I’m sorry, but it really sounds like they just want your money and don’t value your relationship to your grandson. You’ve already done more than most would, too. © lil_potato_boi / Reddit
- I would have had a slightly different response. I would have told them, of course, we’ll keep putting aside money for Dave Jr, but now that it is a two-parent household, the money we pay is going into a college or trust for him so that his future is secure, and it will be in my or my husband’s name. © Unknown author / Reddit
- You did more than most would have done, considering the extremely sad circumstances. I’m sorry for your loss. © Unknown author / Reddit
- Lying about his dad is likely to be so much more problematic than just being honest from the get-go. This is the kind of thing kids are super traumatized by. You don’t owe them anything, and it’s totally unreasonable for them to expect you to continue your kindness after pulling this stunt. © ShmamBo88 / Reddit
- If they were receiving survivors’/child’s benefits from social security or receiving child support from a parent, those benefits would terminate if the child was legally adopted by his stepfather. Not telling him about his dad until he’s old enough is a bad move for you, your late son, and the child. It can be traumatizing for a child when they find out the truth about their parentage after being misled or lied to. ©_cheesynoodles / Reddit
- Allen wants to take responsibility for the kid? He takes responsibility for the kid. Not checks from you should be expected in that case. © BlacksmithMotor2580 / Reddit
- I was sympathetic until she wanted to make you lie about your relationship to your grandchild. © FireballisMyFriend / Reddit
- So sorry for the loss of your son, especially at that young of an age. I would look into if you have any grandparents’ rights so that you could have a relationship with your grandchild. You don’t have to pay her a dime. If you want to, you could always leave him a portion in a trust. I can understand her moving forward in life, but unless the child’s father was toxic, I think changing his name is terrible. © danidoescare / Reddit