Birthdays, anniversaries, even small gestures? Nothing. It’s not about the money; it’s about what it means. Is he just careful with money, or is there something deeper at play?
Here is story:
I’ve been married to my husband, Dan, for 3 years. He was generous. But after we got married, he started making me feel bad about my purchases and refused to spend money on date nights or small gifts. The last straw came on my birthday. He handed me a folded piece of paper. I thought it was a romantic letter.
I opened it, but turns out it was a printed spreadsheet showing how much money he saved this year. He said, “This is my gift to you,” while smiling proudly. I wanted to scream, but I bit my tongue. I understand the importance of saving, but it’s becoming too much and slowly draining the joy of our relationship.
We’re sorry you’re going through this in your marriage. While money can feel like a big issue, it doesn’t have to be irreparable. Consider these tips to help navigate the situation and strengthen your relationship.
Have an honest conversation (without accusations).
Instead of lashing out, pick a calm moment to talk about how his behavior makes you feel. Avoid blaming statements like “You never spend money on me!” and try “I feel unappreciated when small gestures are ignored.”
Understand his mindset.
Is this a sudden obsession with saving, or has he always been frugal? Maybe he has financial anxieties you’re unaware of. Ask him why he’s become so strict with spending and whether something triggered it.
Set clear expectations for spending.
Compromise is key. Maybe agree on a small monthly budget for date nights or gifts. If he loves spreadsheets, ask him to help create a “fun fund” in your budget.
Decide what you can—and can’t—live with.
If he’s unwilling to compromise at all, ask yourself: Can you accept this long-term? It’s okay to want financial security, but not at the expense of feeling loved and valued.
Show him that thoughtfulness matters more than money.
If he thinks spending money equals waste, suggest thoughtful, low-cost ways to show appreciation—like handwritten notes, planned experiences, or even a homemade birthday card instead of a financial report.
Create financial boundaries that work for both of you.
Sometimes, people have different expectations about money. Set clear boundaries, like agreeing that each person gets to spend a certain amount without needing permission. This might make him feel more in control and reduce his anxiety about spending.
Recognize that his frugality might come from fear, not disrespect.
It’s possible he’s becoming overly focused on saving due to fear of financial instability or past experiences. He might not realize how much it’s affecting you emotionally. Ask him to reflect on whether his behavior is rooted in fear or concern, and explain how it’s impacting your emotional well-being.