All mothers care a great deal about their children and try their best to be supportive of them in every way that they can. However, some children can be ungrateful, always wanting more without showing gratitude. This particular mother went above and beyond for her adult daughter. She was there for her, provided for her safety, and even helped her financially. But her daughter’s irresponsible actions and neglect of her own children gave the mother pause for thought and action. Here’s how it happened.
Here is her story.
I (58F) am at my wit’s end. My daughter, her six kids, and her partner have been living with my husband and me for over three years rent-free. Both she and her partner have stable jobs, yet they constantly ask us for money to cover things like groceries, car repairs, or “emergencies.” We’ve been happy to help in the past, but it’s becoming unsustainable, especially since my husband is nearing retirement.
Yesterday, she announced baby number seven.
The family had gathered for dinner, and the moment she dropped the news, everyone cheered. Her partner raised his glass, her kids squealed with joy, and even my husband gave her a congratulatory pat on the back. I, however, sat there in silence, trying to process everything.
Finally, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I said, “How do you plan to afford this baby when you already rely on us so much?” The room fell silent. My daughter’s smile
disappeared, and she shot back, “We’re doing the best we can, Mom. Babies are a blessing.”
I replied, “I’m not saying they aren’t, but this house is bursting at the seams. You need to start planning to move out.”
She looked shocked. “Move out? Where are we supposed to go? You know we can’t afford rent right now.”
“You’ve had three years,” I said, trying to keep my tone calm but firm. “I’m giving you two months to figure it out.”
The rest of dinner was awkward, to say the least. Her partner avoided eye contact, the kids were too young to understand what was happening, and my husband quietly stared at his plate. After they left the table, my daughter came back to confront me.
“How can you do this to your own family? We’re trying! And now, when I’m pregnant, you’re kicking us out?”
“I’m not kicking you out,” I said, standing my ground. “I’m giving you a timeline to start taking responsibility for your family.”
The conversation ended with her storming upstairs. This morning, I woke up to find she had made a dramatic Facebook post saying, “I’m pregnant and have nowhere to go. My family doesn’t care about me.”
She’s been getting comments from friends and extended family offering sympathy, rooms to rent, and criticizing me for being “heartless.” One of my nieces even commented, “Shame on your mom for not supporting you in your time of need.”
I’m floored. Supporting her is all we’ve been doing! I’ve sacrificed my retirement savings, my peace of mind, and even my privacy to help them. Now I’m being painted as the villain?
My husband is caught in the middle. While he agrees we can’t keep doing this indefinitely, he thinks giving them only two months is too harsh. He’s asked me
to reconsider and extend the deadline, but I feel like if we keep enabling them, they’ll never leave.
So, am I a bad mother for setting this boundary? Or should I be more patient?
– Shona
Dear Shona, your letter touched on an issue many families face: the balance between love, support, and personal boundaries. Your sacrifices are evident, as is your deep love for your daughter and her family. Yet, it’s also clear you’re at a crossroads, grappling with feelings of exhaustion, financial strain, and a need for change. We hope this response offers perspective, reassurance, and practical guidance as you navigate this challenging situation.
The Heart of the Matter: A Mother’s Sacrifice
For over three years, you and your husband have been a safety net for your daughter’s family. Opening your home to six grandchildren, your daughter, and her partner reflects incredible generosity and love. However, it’s natural for such an arrangement to take a toll. Financial contributions, emotional support, and shared living spaces can blur the lines between helping and enabling. It’s clear that you feel your resources — both emotional and financial — are nearing their limit. This is not a sign of failure but a reflection of human capacity. Recognizing your boundaries is an act of self-preservation, not selfishness.
Tough Love or Necessary Boundaries?
Your decision to give your daughter a two-month timeline to move out is undoubtedly a hard one. It’s understandable to question if this makes you a “bad mother.” But boundaries are not inherently unkind; they provide structure and accountability. Without them, your daughter and her partner may never feel the urgency to take full responsibility for their family. That said, the delivery of this boundary is as crucial as the boundary itself. A conversation framed around shared goals and collaboration might soften the blow and pave the way for cooperation. For example, instead of emphasizing “moving out,” focus on “planning for their independence.”
The Bigger Picture: Supporting Without Enabling
Your daughter’s announcement of another pregnancy, while joyous for her, understandably brought mixed emotions for you. It’s not unreasonable to question the practicality of expanding a family when finances and living conditions are already strained. This doesn’t diminish the beauty of a new life but underscores the importance of readiness and stability. Offering resources such as financial counseling or helping them create a realistic budget could be a middle ground. Encouraging self-reliance doesn’t mean you love them less; it means you’re helping them build a foundation for lasting stability.
Addressing Social Reactions and Misunderstandings
The reaction on social media is understandably hurtful, especially given the sacrifices you’ve made. It’s easy for outsiders to judge without understanding the full story. While you can’t control others’ opinions, you can choose how to respond. Consider a calm, factual clarification if you feel it’s necessary, or let the comments stand as a reminder that others may not know the depth of your support. Reassure your daughter privately that your love hasn’t wavered, even if the current arrangement must change. This distinction between love and logistics is vital to communication.
Finding a Path Forward: Collaboration and Compassion
To move forward, we encourage a family meeting. Invite open dialogue, emphasizing that this is not about rejection but about fostering independence. Explore practical solutions together, like subsidized housing options, government aid, or even splitting responsibilities for their transition. Including your husband’s perspective can also provide balance and solidarity. A compromise might be necessary; perhaps an extended timeline paired with clear expectations could ease tensions. The key is to act from a place of love while holding firm to your boundaries.
A Mother’s Love, Redefined
Shona, you are not a bad mother. You’ve given generously, and now you’re asking for the space to reclaim your life while ensuring your daughter’s family takes the steps they need. Love sometimes means making hard decisions for the betterment of everyone involved. By setting boundaries with compassion and clarity, you’re not pushing them away — you’re helping them grow. Trust that your family’s bond is strong enough to withstand this challenge and emerge even stronger on the other side.